some quotes

Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
-- George R. Kirkpatrick

It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
-- W. Edwards Deming

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
-- Madonna Dangerous Game (1993)

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
-- Laurence J Peter

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
-- Henry Youngman

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
-- Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.
-- Sam Ewing

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
-- Brian Pickrell

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend. -- Albert Camus

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
-- Dennis Leary

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
-- Kathy Lette